Blind, Deaf and Dumb Date
by Luna-Starr
Summary: The most unlikey pairings ever: RebeccaChris, AshleyBilly, LeonJill and more, all hosted by everyone's favorite evil controling Ashford twin and cross-dressing brother! Degrading of characters all around!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Nope! I don't own any Resident Evil characters! Or Resident Evil. Or Blind Date.

Luna: Yes, I should be working on Hybrid, but I got a sudden idea that I just had to do. This is a total parody off all Resident Evil characters and the show Blind Date. I hope you like it! And if you do, REVIEW!

Chapter 1: Rebecca and Chris?

Alexia appears on a stage that has a huge poster that says 'Blind, Deaf and Dumb' date. She's wearing a flowing red dress and her hair is in curls.

" Ahahahaha! I AM THE GREAT Alexia Ashford, inventor of the T-veronica virus!" She said, " And you shall all bow down to me!"

" Not again!" screamed a feminine voice, " Alfred, what did I tell about borrowing my clothes and impersonating me?"

The acclaimed 'Alexia' giggled nervously and runs off; the real Alexia fuming. She tugs off Alfred's wig and slaps him across the face.

" S-sister! Oh Glorious sister I worship you and I am sorry!" cried Alfred.

" You better be, now go; stupid brother…" said Alexia, and shook her head.

The camera zooms in on Alexia and she shouts, " YOU CANNOT HANDLE MY BEAUTY! GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!"

The camera man shrinks back in fear.

" Ahem," said Alexia, suddenly pleasant, " This is 'Blind, Deaf and Dumb' date that I'm forced to do because Umbrella's stocks crashed and I no longer get paid. DAMN YOU WALLSTREET! Uh, well, at least I get to torture these fools! This sad excuse for a human being is Rebecca Chambers."

****

Rebecca's interview

The camera now shows Rebecca, staring into the camera.

" I am officer Rebecca Chambers, field medic rookie of S.T.A.R.S," she says, blandly.

" Imbecile! S.T.A.R.S is gone!" screamed an off screen voice that sounded much like Alexia. Or Alfred. I can't tell the difference.

Rebecca was staring blankly at the screen, still not blinking.

" Grr…" said Alexia and or Alfred, " List your interests! Stuff you like!"

" I enjoy chemical mixing," she said.

" And…?" asked Alexia, impatiently.

Rebecca just kept staring.

" So she is…a drug dealer, sister dearest?" asked Alfred, " She enjoys mixing chemicals…"

" Idiot!" screeched Alexia, " She is obviously making tar heroine or ecstasy!"

" Oh, a brilliant idea, I would've never thought of that!" gushed Alfred, although he said basically the same thing seconds ago.

And Rebecca is still there, not blinking.

The camera moves to Alexia and she says, " CUT!"  
**Back to Alexia**

The screen fades and it shows Alexia chomping on onion rings. She realizes the camera is on her and she tosses the rings to the side.

" Ah, well here's her match," said Alexia, " Chris Redfiled. That IMBECILE ruined my plans at Rock fort and now I'm getting sweet revenge on him by pairing him with Officer Monotone! I mean, showing him true love…Here's his interview-"

****

Chris's interview

Chris looks into the camera and smiles an 1000 watt smile.

" Hi! I'm Chris Redfiled," said Chris, " I like to order people around, not that I'm a control freak or anything; I'm just a natural leader. Likes: Magnums, dogs and a woman who's smart and hot. Dislikes: Tyrants, huge companies that create undead, cross dressing twins and Wesker. Especially Wesker. So I'm just your average guy who saved the world-"

" You never saved the world, imbecile!" cried Alexia, " Raccoon City got infected and Rock fort was just 1 lab!"

" I still kicked your ass though," noted Chris, " And what is this the 5th time you said 'imbecile?'"

" CUT!" screamed Alexia.

We're back to Alexia now, who's furious at the footage.

"…Here's the taped footage of Rebecca and Chris's date. EN-JOY." she snarled.

****

The date…

Chris arrives at a fancy Italian restaurant, Rebecca is already there.

" Hey Rebecca," said Chris, " I didn't know it would be you!"

" I suggest we cooperate," said Rebecca, flatly, " There's some pretty weird stuff going on here."

" Uh, okay. Let's get seated," said Chris, figuring 'cooperate' was a fancy term for ' let's go out on a date.'

" Right this way, sir, madam," said a waiter.

" NO!" screamed Rebecca, everyone stunned at her sudden outburst of emotion, " We spilt up."

" But…we weren't even really together," he answered, confused.

" We spilt up and find a table," said Rebecca, and handed him a walk-talkie.

Before Chris could protest, she runs off.

" Weirdo…" he mumbled.

" Chris, help!" buzzed his walkie-talkie.

" Rebecca?" asked Chris.

He ran to the other side of the restaurant, pushing every man, woman and child out of the way; thinking she was in real danger. Of course, our little boy scout is wrong. But seriously, what was the man thinking? What true danger could you be in when your at a restaurant? Unless it's J's Bar…but that's a different story.

Chris found her at an empty table.

" I need your opinion on which chair to sit in." she stated.

" That…was an emergency?" he asked.

" I suggest I sit on the right," said Rebecca, as if he never spoke.

Chris went to his seat and noticed how it was a bit higher than the others.

" Uh, this chair seems a bit too high for me," pointed out Chris.

" Are you saying I have to sit in it because I am a little girl?" asks Rebecca, " Because I AM NOT a little girl!"

" I didn't say that…sorry. Sheesh." muttered Chris.

They took their seats and Rebecca stared off into space. An awkward silence followed, until Chris said, " So what are your interests?"

" Chemical Mixing," stated Rebecca.

__

Must be making liquid Coke to shoot up, thought Chris_, I gotta stop judging. Maybe she's look for a cure for cancer. Yep, definite drug lord._

" I like dogs," said Chris, dumbly, " The non-zombie ones of course."

From where they sat, a man was playing a piano.

" I enjoyed cooperating with you, but now Chris Redfiled is officially dead," she said.

" Wait, what?" asked Chris.

Rebecca got up from her seat and ran to the piano. _This girl's nuttier than a fruitcake, _thought Chris, _Why do I attract the crazies?_

She pushed the guy off the piano bench and began mumbling, " I have to open the door for Billy to get the battery.."

She began to play 'Moonlight Sonata' on the piano and Chris walked over to Rebecca slowly; careful to not make any sudden movements.

" So, your reliving the Spencer estate incident?" asked Chris.

" No…Billy," said Rebecca, quietly.

" Billy? Who's he?" asked Chris.

" Its-he's…I LOVE THE MAN!" screamed Rebecca.

" Then, go find him…?" asked Chris, confused.

" Thank you Chris," said Rebecca, becoming monotone again, and ran off.

" Hey! Wait!" cried Chris.

" I'm sorry but I don't love you," she replied.

" No! I was gonna say who ordered this lobster!" said Chris.

" I must go," said Rebecca, and hi-tailed it outta there.

Chris shook his head,_ Weirdo-o-o_

****

Back to Alexia…

" Well be back after this short break," said Alexia, " And remember don't touch that dial. OR I'LL BREAK YOUR NECK AND FEED YOU TO THE ANTS!"

Luna: Loonng Chapter there! And in a later chapter I'll have Leon in it, ADD and all! Next Chapter: Billy and Ashley?


	2. Billy and Ashley!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Resident evil or Blind Date. Or Pradas.

Luna:….okay, here's Chapter 2, and Leon will appear in the next chapter! Yay Leon abuse! And those of you who haven't read my RE4 infected w/ dumbness fic may not get the jokes. The reason Alfred has Leon's jacket is because the Ganados sold it to him on E-bay and the reason why Ashley calls me Leon's 'conscience' is because in that fic I gave him hints, insulted him and generally tricked him into thinking the voice in his head was his conscience. Namely, me.

Chapter 2: Ashley and Billy

" And we're back!" said Alexia, extra cheery.

" Mighty sister of beauty and grace, may I do the introductions?" asked Alfred, " Please, Please? PLEASE?"

" No, inferior twin."

" But…Billy is a pretty man!" pouted Alfred.

" I'm going to pretend that never happened," said Alexia, blandly, " Here's an interview of the president's daughter, Ashley Graham, bleck."

****

Ashley's interview

" My name is Ashley Graham, yes the president's daughter!" announces Ashley, " And I'm so totally over that Leon Kennedy guy who saved me 50 times….And I'm over his muscular physic and baby-blue eyes and golden brown hair that you can just run your fingers through-"

" Get on with it!" screamed Alexia, off camera.

" Fine!" she said, " I like Pradas. Lots of Pradas!"  
" Ew! You have no taste do you!" said Alexia, and scoffed.

" Yes sister is-" begins Alfred, " But I'm wearing Pradas!"

" Yes, and it sucks. Just like this show."

" This is my interview!" cried Ashley, " So let me talk about me!"

" SHUTUP!" cried both twins at the same time.

" It's trashy, just like you!" said Alexia.

" Is not!" cried Alfred, with the ever so popular come back.

" My interview! MINE!" cried Ashley.

" CUT! BEFORE I CUT HER HEAD OFF!"

****

Back to Alexia

Our host is staring at a helpless dragonfly that she has grabbed. It wrings in her hand, in pain.

Alexia is about to pluck its wings when a swarm of dragonflies attack her.

" Take that you sadistic :bleep:" squeaked one.

" Alfred!" screamed Alexia, while being stung multiple times, " Do something!"

" Oh! That's my cue!" said Alfred, happily.

He leaps on stage, Alexia running in horror in the back ground,

" This interview is Billy Cohen's!" said Alfred, and begins squealing like a school girl.

****

Billy's interview

" First of all," said Billy, " My name isn't Billy Cohen, its Willy Johen."

" Uh-huh…Willy.. Billy…YOU!" cried Alexia, " Your interests? Hobbies?"

" My hobbies don't include shooting zombies or leeches, staying in prison and cooperating with a monotone rookie." said Billy, hastily.

" Hi Billy!" cried Alfred, off screen.

" Hi…lady?" said Billy, uncertainly.

****

Back to the twins

Alexia's face is swollen and chock full of hives and boils. She mumbles something under her breath and stalks off.

" Hey, now I'm taking over the show!" said Alfred, " And I shall name it the 'ALFRED SHOW!"

" Oh what creativity, the Alfred show…" I mumbled.

" What..? Sister, did you hear the strange voice?" asked Alfred.

Alexia rolls her eyes.

" Right…" he said, confused, " But first, modeling!"

" Alfred is modeling a spiffy leather/ suede jacket today bought off E-bay from some Spanish people!" said a disembodied voice.

Alfred was wearing none other than Leon's jacket. He twirls, strikes a pose and smiles disturbingly.

" GET ON WITH THE DAMN DATE!" screams Alexia, mangled face turning crimson.

****

The Date

Billy is at a Chinese restaurant, waiting for Ashley. He's wearing black frameless eye glasses with fake eye brows pasted on it , a rubber nose with a handlebar mustache attached. Yes, our little Billy is a master of disguise.

Ashley walks in, and sees him

" Are you Billy?" asked Ashley.

" Yes-uh, no. Willy. Not Billy." said Billy.

" Do you always wear that?" asked Ashley, pointing to his little get-up.

" I'm a fugitive," he whispered, " It's a disguise so no one will know."

" Oh, a fugitive," said Ashley, " I predict much heavy on the run over time."

"…Wha?" asked Billy.

__

Why do I get stuck with all the little school girls? The slang is confusing…overtime?

" Over time? You mean-" he began, eyes widen.

" Yes, because I'm over Leon!" screamed Ashley, " Did you hear that? I'M OVER LEON! ..Did I mention how his nose crinkles when he laughs? Or how his eyes light up when he eats Pez?"

" You got it bad…" stated Billy.

" I do not!" she protested.

A person runs into the restaurant, frantic and carrying a Grenade Launcher. Why? I don't know…people just like to carry around lethal weapons these days. Or perhaps….the virus is spreading. The virus of Dumbness….

" Have you seen Billy?" asked Rebecca, to Billy.

" No!" he cries, surprised on how effective his disguise was.

Or how dumb Rebecca was. Possibly both.

" I have to find him," she said, as dramatic piano music played in the back ground.

" Can I ask why?" asked Billy.

" True love," answered Rebecca, with a sigh.

" How could it be true love?" asked Billy, " You knew him for a couple of hours and you shot the undead together. What does true love have to do with it?"

" None of your business!" said Rebecca, showing emotion again, " How do you know all of this?"

" ESP." said Billy, dumbly.

" Oh." said Rebecca and storms off.

"- and the way Leon holds a gun when he shots Ganados-" counties Ashley.

Billy sighed. This whole entire time she was still talking about the guy she claimed she was over.

" Look, Ashley just go to Leon already," said Billy, bored.

" But I have! I've confessed my love for him several times! But he only has eyes for Ada!" cried Ashley.

" Then-" began Billy.

" Yeah! I should assassinate Ada and…blame it on a Random person!" declares Ashley, " Thanks Billy. By the way, can I unmask you?"

" I never said-"

She takes off his disguise anyway, and shrieks in horror.

" Ew! You looked much hotter with the glasses!" she exclaimed.

" Hey! No insulting Billy! He's the only led Resident Evil character who's hot and not stupid! Unlike some people, as in Leon…." I said.

" Who? You! Your Leon's conscience!" said Ashley, " What do-? Never mind, I have an annoying woman to assassinate and blame it on an innocent bystander!"

" Thanks…..voice," said Billy, confused.

" Heheh, Hi Billy!" I said.

****

Back to Alexia

" Stay tuned," mumbles Alexia, " We have a great show, so WATCH IT SO I CAN GET MY MOOLAH!"

Luna: Next Chapter: Leon and Jill! Am I the only one who thinks Rebecca lacks a personality?


	3. Jill & Leon?

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident evil! Or Pez! Or anything else!

Luna::looks at last time she updated:…: blanches: I know its been about a couple of months since I updated, and I'm really, really sorry! I got side-tracked w/ my Xenosaga fics and then I thought this fic was overkill on my Leon parodies. But since I've gotten more reviews, I'm going to finish it anyway! Thanks reviewers! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 3: Leon & Jill?

Alexia is back, minus hives and boils.

" Welcome back, fair viewers," said Alexia, pleasantly, " And for those of you who decided not to tune in, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND INFECT YOU WITH A VIRUS!"

" And we have a very special home movie sent in by Leon Kennedy!" sang Alfred, extra cheery.

****

Leon's 'home movie'

Leon's theme from the Mercanies, ack, can't spell that stupid word! You know, the theme from the mini game other than 'Assigment Ada?' That was playing.

The lights start flashing and Leon attempts to cartwheel across the screen, he falls halfway. We get a full image of him as he stands up and rubs his hurting rear end. Our pretty Leon is wearing a fish net tank top and short shorts.

Leon backs up, and then runs full force at the camera. His face takes up the whole screen as he says, " That was the Ultimate Victory Dance Of the Century. I was in love with Ada, until she dumped. And no matter what people say, I know she wasn't using me in some sort of Umbrella conspiracy. Show this to every single woman the phone will be off the hook!"

****

Back to the disturbing twins…

Alfred shudders from the mental scars he just acquired.

" That was disturbing, sister. Very. What an imbelic…" said Alfred.

" I think I'm in love…" said Alexia, dreamily.

" Sister? Are you okay?" asked Alfred, waving his hand in front of her face.

" Never better. In fact, I want to track him down now and forcibly marry him."  
" But sister, the man's retarded!"

" Shutup! He's perfect in every way! Now host the show so I can hunt him down." said Alexia.

" Wow, what is up with everyone suddenly being in love with Leon?" I asked.

" Alexia! Did you hear that?" asked Alfred, panicking.

But Alexia was already on her way out., ignoring him completely.

" Who are you? What do you want?" screamed Alfred, looking up.

" I'm the ghost of Christmas Past!" I said, deciding to toy with him for a while.

" You are?" asked Alfred, eyes wide, " Tell Santa I'm sorry! I don't wanna get coal again!"

" Right…"

" Here's the date…" said Alfred, " And that one time I threw that man who called me gay into a river of angry, starved gophers, it was Alexia's idea! Not mine!"

" Of course…" I said, beginning to think that toying with Alfred wasn't such a good idea.

****

The Date…

Leon and Jill are at a restaurant. A Spanish restaurant. Jill chose the place and had no idea about Leon's 'episode'.

" I'm Leon Scott Kennedy!" said Leon, with too much enthusiasm.

" Jill Valentine." said Jill.

A waiter comes up to them and begins speaking in rapid Spanish.

" Infected!" cries Leon, and delivers a KKD to the man's stomach.

The waiter falls back, knocked out.

" What's your problem?" asked Jill, " Do you just randomly kick people?"

" No! He was infected! In a huge conspiracy, Umbrella hired infected waiters to INFECT me!" declares Leon.

Another waiter comes up behind Leon with a food tray, and Leon KKD's the tray out of his hands.

" No infected food here!" said Leon.

Jill just shook her head, wondering why she always attracted the crazies. First it was Barry hitting on her in the piano room in the mansion, then Chris with his constant stories of his 'amazing leadership' and finally Carlos; who's accent she could barely understand.

More waiters rushed to the fallen waiter.

" No one eat the food! It's INFECTED!" cried Leon, shooting the food dishes on each table he came across.

" Are you psychotic?" cried Jill, annoyed, " Spanish food can keep you in the bathroom for hours, sure, but that's no reason to go homical!"

More rapid Spanish.

" INFECTED!"

Leon went into bad ass mode.

Leon KKD'd every waiter/employee, destroyed every dish of food as Jill swore she'd hunt down the sick person who paired her w/ him.

" Woo-hoo! I still got it!" said Leon, as he danced his little victory dance.

" You're sick!" said Jill.

" You!" said Leon, suddenly remembering , Jill existed, " You planned this didn't you!"

" Whatever," said Jill, " Paranoid looney."

" Wait!" cries Leon, and grabbed her arm.

Bad move, Leon.

Jill flips him over her shoulder and he lands, hard.

" Ouchies." he says.

Alexia arrives at the remains of the joint, and sees her love and Jill.

" Get away from him. Now." said Alexia, tone sharp.

" You can have him," grumbled Jill, and turned to leave.

" Hello, Leon," said Alexia, sweetly, " I am Alexia Ashford."

" How do you know my name?" asked Leon, sitting up.

" Let's say I'm a fan."

" Say, do you have any Pez?" asked Leon.

" Pez?" asked Alexia, but then an idea forms, " Yes, back at my house, I have much Pez. Come with me and you'll feast upon Pez!"  
" Cool!" cried Leon, and follows her like an idiot that he is.

Luna: Next Chapter: Steve and Ada?


	4. Steve and Ada!

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing from Resident Evil. Or Prada. Or the show 'Blind Date.' Or Gilligan;s Island. Or Star Wars.

Luna: YAY REVIEWS! Because of more wondrous reviews, I'll add in a special Wesker scene! Hoorah! And w/ Steve's 'video' the words in italics will be Alexia speaking.

Chapter 4: Steve & Ada?  
Alexia skips on stage with Leon, holding his hand. She smiles brightly and says, " Welcome to Blind, Deaf and Dumb Date! The birds are singing, the sun is shining the flowers are pretty and everything's HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Soon, I shall rule you all! But first, meet my new toy-er, boy, Leon!"

Leon waves to the camera like an idiot.

" Isn't he pretty?" asks Alexia, petting his head.

" My wondrous sister!" screeches Alfred.

Alfred runs out, dressed in Leon's beloved jacket and a plaid mini-skirt. He has tomato stains all over the beloved jacket from angry audience members.

" You wouldn't believe this! There was a creepy voice that kept MOCKING me! And then the audience threw vegetables at me! Rotten tomato vegetables!" ranted Alfred.

" Actually, tomatoes are a fruit," I stated.

" You!" screamed Leon, suddenly, " You have my jacket! ARE THOSE TOMATO STAINS?"

" Who the hell are you?" asked Alfred.

Alexia ignored her cross-dressing twin and said, " What do you mean he has your jacket?"

" From Spain! With the INFECTED people! I was knocked out and then my jacket was gone! And I can't find a replica!" whined Leon.

" Okay," said Alexia, " Alfred, give the man his jacket."

" But-"

" Let me re-phrase that. GIVE HIM HIS JACKET BEFORE I FEED YOU TO THE ANTS!"

Alfred handed over the jacket to Leon, grumbling.

" Unfortunately," said Alexia, remembering her show, " We couldn't get interviews with Ada or the accursed Steve. When we tried to interview her, she'd scream my name then throw exploding sunglasses at me. It annoyed me. Anyway, I made up a little something as a tribute to Stevey-poo!"

****

Steve's sorta interview

A clip shows Steve with twin Luger pistols, shooting.

__

He is a whiny brat with Daddy issues.

" Fatherrrr!" screamed Steve.

__

So I infected him.

Shows Steve infected as that muscular thingy, he has an axe. And is running after Claire.

" Fatherrr!" screams Steve.

" I'm not your father!" screamed Claire.

__

He's whiny. Very whiny-

The tape is cut short. Alexia taped over something, and that something resurfaces. It shows Alexia as a baby, who seems to have soiled herself. She cries and Alfred says, " Alexia go wee-wee!"

" Cut!" screams Alexia, " CUT!"

Alfred snickers, and Leon is spaced out. As usual.

****

Meanwhile…

Wesker is in an underground-secret lab-that's-actually-his-mother's-basement-because-Umbrella-hasn't-been-paying-well. He's accompanied by William Birkin.

" I can't believe that idiot figured out that Spanish resturant was actually our main hideout for the Plaga virus. If that Kennedy man hadn't interfered, we'd have a load of test subjects right now…" said Wesker, annoyed.

He was sitting on the bean-bag chair that was almost empty, watching reruns of 'Gillgan's Island'.

" We need another discreet way to infect others, besides a Spanish restaurant," countied Wesker, thoughtfully.

" You'll never have the G-virus!" screamed Birkin.

" …We're talking about the Plaga Virus, now, aren't we?" said Wesker, calmly.

" Yeah, BUT YOU STILL CAN'T HAVE IT!" shouted Birkin.

" Pity, because I was looking forward to taking it," said Wesker, rolling his eyes, " Take this paper and write down any ideas."

" YOU CAN'T HAVE MY PRECIOUS PAPER EITHER!"

Wesker sighed. He resisted the urge to kill him, because that would decrease half of his pay. Besides, the episode was getting to the best part; when Gillgan screwed up. And it never got old.

Birkin stroked the paper and when Wesker glanced over to him, he clutched on to the paper with an iron grip. The man had serious attachment issues.

" We can always use an old people home," said Birkin, suddenly.

" And have deadly Ganados swinging around canes and dentures. Fine idea," spat Wesker.

" Albert!" a voice sang from upstairs, that voice of his mother.

" What! How am I supposed to plot world domination with you breathing down my back every 5 seconds?" Wesker shot back.

" I just wanted to know if you and William would like some pizza bagels, their your favorite!" she said.

" No, mother…" said Wesker, cursing Umbrella's lack of pay.

" And your friend is here!"

" Who?"  
" Some nice young girl. Ingrid Hunnigan, I think."

" …Okayy…"

A figure came down the stairs. It was none other than Hunnigan.

" What are you doing here?" demanded Wesker, magnum in hand.

" I want to join Umbrella and exact vengeance on LEON KENNEDY," said Hunnigan, " Thanks to him, I lost my sanity on 'Gilligan's Island' and now have a spilt personality called 'Insane Ingrid.' When I resort back to my Island self. That stupid, ADD, Pez chomping cute but dumb agent is the root of my problems!"

"…Erm. Okay, why not?" said Wesker, " We'll destroy the agent at dawn tomorrow."

" You!" said Birkin, " Can't have my G-virus!"

" Sure…" said Hunnigan, " Is this…NO!"

Gilligan's Island triggered a change reaction to her becoming 'Ingrid the Insane'. She giggled manically as she sang the theme song, and as Birkin screamed that she'll never have the theme song.

Wesker cracked open a juice box, since his mother didn't allow alcohol. It was going to be a long. Long. Long day.

****

The Date

Steve and Ada are in an Spanish restaurant.

" Father! I blame everything on my father!" cried Steve, angrily.

" Uh-uh…" said Ada, " Now I'm going to be all mysterious and run off. Normally I'd only appear if you needed your ass saved, but your annoying. And whiny."

" But my father is a national scape goat!" protested Steve.

Ashely appears with a Rocket Launcher. Ada notices this and says, cooly, " What are you doing?"

" Assassinating you then blaming it on a Random person," explained Ashley.

" Hey!" cries Random, " That isn't fair! I was beginning to have a normal life and you just come and take it all away! Well fu: bleep: you!"

Except it all came out in Spanish.

" Oh." said Ada, casually.

In slow motion, Ada took two steps back and the Rocket by passed her. The rocket lands in a wall, exploding it. Several waiters began shouting at the dumb blonde known as Ashley, who says in defense, " It wasn't me! It was him!"

She points to Random accusingly.

" What? You can't possibly believe her!" he shouted.

Sadly for Random, everyone did infect believe her. And it was around this point Ashley noticed she had only one Rocket Launcher shot and she wasted it.

Ada pulled out her Punisher, and aimed it at Ashley's head.

" Wait!" screams Steve, " It wasn't her fault! It was my father's! And violence is not the answer!"

" Shut up Steve! It is the answer!" I said, " Don't miss, Ada."

Ada blinked, and Ashley cried, " Save me, Leon's conscience!"

" What? No way! This is revenge for all those times you got killed and I had to start the game all over!" I shouted, " Thanks to you, my beating the game took longer than normal!"

" Game…?" asked Ada.

Ashley yelped as Ada fired 3 rounds. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the pain. But it never came. She cracked open and eye to see her favorite pair of Pradas, riddled with bullet holes.

" NOOOO!" screamed Ashley, sobbing over the lose of shoes.

" I have a question," said Steve, " Father, where have you been? Where? In a bar? With a new family in New Zealand? WHERE?"

A figure cloaked in black appears and says, " Steve, I am your father."

" You are?" asked Steve.

" UH…" said the black cloaked, nasally person, " No. Is this the Star Wars convention?"

" No…" said Ada.

" Oh, sorry dudes!" he said, and hurried off.

Ada began to walk off, leaving Ashley with her deceased boots and Steve rambling about his father. Until something caught her eye on the T.V. It was Leon in a tux, and some blonde girl in a wedding dress.

DUN DUN DUN!

Luna: CLIFFHANGER! MWHAHAHAH! Ahem. Next Chapter: Ashley v.s Ada v,s Alexia v.s Hunnigan. And review!


	5. Realized stupidity

Disclaimer: No. I don't own ANYTHING from Resident Evil, Pez, Ebay, Gilliagan's Island : the site: or…well anything!

Luna: I know I said this chapter will be Alexia v.s Hunnigan v.s Ada v.s Ashley, but I made a mistake. That'll be next chapter. Sorry for the mix-up! Thank you everyone who reviewed!

Chapter 5: Stupidity realized

Ada watched the T.v as she cried, " Leon!"

" Just read these words and you can have all the Pez you want," said Alexia, sweetly.

She hands Leon a piece of paper and he recites, " Will…you…m-marry me, Alexia A-Ashford?"

" YES YES YES!" she screams, and throws her arms around him.

" Where's my Pez?" asked Leon, still not realizing what he just said.

" LEON!" screamed Ada and Ashley in unison.

" We can call a temporarily truce," said Ada, " to stop the marriage. And then we can go back to hating each other."

" Sounds good to me," said Ashley.

The only reason they both accepted so fast was because they both wanted the same thing. To win over Leon.

__

Sucker, thought Ada.

__

Sucker, thought Ashley.

" Question!" I said, " What is so great about Leon? Sure, he's hot, but dumb…"

" Your just jealous because you don't have him!" said Ashley.

" Uh, neither do you," I pointed out.

" Who's voice is that?" asked Ada.

" Leon's conscience," replied Ashley.

Ada blinked.

" Okay. So Leon called himself hot, dumb and unattainable…all in a girl's voice that we suddenly hear?" asked Ada.

" Yeah. Come on! We got a wedding to crash!" said Ashley.

I just shook my head.

****

At the studio…

" I'm terribly sorry to say that our producers cancelled the show and we are no more," said Alfred, " But we do get to air 1 last episode of Alexia's wedding."

Then we hear under his breath, " …I hate that man! Took my jacket and my sister!"  
" The attachment you have to your sister is creepy…incesty…" I said.

" You!" screams Alfred, in horror, " Incesty isn't a word! Happy place, happy place…special torture chamber room…"

As Alfred was having a nervous breakdown, Leon was happily munching on Pez as Alexia was in another room; putting on her wedding dress.

Then it hit Leon.

" I just asked some random woman I really don't know to marry me," said Leon, " Damn ADD!"

****

Meanwhile…

Wesker was driving his mom's SUV, feeling much like a soccer mom himself. Birkin was in the back seat, still clutching that damn paper. As for Hunnigan, she regained her sanity in the nick of time.

" Remember Wesker, the words 'Gilligan' or 'Island' are trigger words that set Ingrid the Insane to surface," said Hunnigan.

" Gilligan's Island?" asked Wesker.

Then he realized his stupidity of what he just said.

" Hahahaha…." said Hunnigan, a glint in her eyes, " Coconuts! We need coconuts to build a raft to get off the island!"

" Hunnigan…?" asked Wesker.

" I SAID I NEED COCONUTS!" screamed Ingrid the Insane, as she tore Wesker's sunglasses off his head.

She threw them in the back seat. Right into Birkin's hands.

" Sunglasses from the heavens!" exclaimed Birkin, " I will NEVER let anyone touch the divine sunglasses!"

Wesker had it. He stopped the SUV short, and turned around to face Birkin.

" If you don't give me those sunglasses, I'll break every bone in your body," he said, tone deadly.

" No! I will make a virus of them! The S-virus! MINE!"

Wesker lunged at him, as Ingrid got out of the car. She ran off, screaming something about coconuts.

****

8 minutes later…

Hunnigan found herself in a local supermarket, in the coconut aisle. Having no memory of how she got there and why, Hunnigan shrugged and walked off. Until she realized her pockets were full of matches, flares, and a coconut. Blinking, she guessed she had another episode.

She left the store, and found Wesker not too far away and a badly mangled Birkin.

" Ever touch my sunglasses again and I'll-" began Wesker.

" Huh?" asked Hunnigan.

" Glasses…" wheezed Birkin.

Another car pulled up. Wesker's mom came out. She looked exactly like him, platinum blonde hair and all. And she even had the sunglasses.

" Albert, dear," she said, " You forgot your lunch box."

" Mom…" groaned Wesker, " What I did I tell you about interrupting my missions?"

" But honey, I made PP&J! Just the way you like it, with the crusts cut off," she explained.

Birkin and Hunnigan burst out in laughter.

" Wesker, your such a mommy's boy," said Birkin, with a laugh.

" You-" began Wesker.

" Hey! No one makes fun of my Albert dear!" cried Wesker's mom, and put a magnum to Birkin's head.

" S-sorry!" he cried, cowering fear.

She smiled and kissed Wesker goodbye.

" What just happened?" asked Hunnigan.

" Island! You'll never have my island of G-virus!" screeched Birkin, suddenly.

" The hell?" asked Wesker.

" Island…coconuts…Gilligan!" cried Ingrid the now insane.

Wesker groaned. It was going to be a long. Long. Long afternoon.

Luna: Yay, I'm done! Next Chapter: Alexia v.s Ada v,s Ashley v.s Hunnigan.


End file.
